Let's Talk About Oversharing vs. Secrecy on Date #1

Let's Talk About Oversharing vs. Secrecy on Date #1

Recently, I was coaching a client who went out on a date and she asked me, "how much is too much on the first date?" She explained to me she was so nervous that she later realized she overshared too much of her life, which dominated most of the date.

It got us into talking about the subtle balance between playing the silent game and being an open book.

The main thought to keep in mind is personality plays a big key in either side. For example, it would be hard for an introverted guy to "tell you about himself" while an outgoing person may not know when to mute it.

Here are some ways to know if you or your date is oversharing or being too secret.

He refrains from mentioning anything about his past.

This is tell-tale sign of him being secret. It's one thing to be guarded and it's another to be hiding something. If you feel prompted to talk generally about yourself such as where you were raised while he can't even hint to you where he learned his first magic trick, chances are he may be hiding a lot of other things.   

Is asking "why are you single" too much?

OK, this has to come up at some point, and this can be helpful when understanding potential bae. So for that reason I would say this is an acceptable question to ask.  Whether we realize it or not, we do ask this question to ourselves about people we're interested in. However, you should only ask this question if you feel comfortable enough with your date and if you're ready to give a response back.

Telling him on the first date how you are too hurt from your last relationship.  

This falls in the oversharing category. Your last relationship should be at minimum a two-sentence response, then move on, especially if the break up was traumatic and recent. You don’t want to give the impression that you're not over your ex or that you're looking for some to "fix" you. The only exception to this rule is if you have children or business ties with your ex; these are situations where follow-up questions are hard to ignore.

Answering open-ended questions with "yes" or "no"

Shyness is normal when meeting someone. But if you want to someone to get to know you, this could scare them away. Be mindful that your actions and words make a big impression on the first date (Sidenote – this is SERIOUSLY my pet peeve! Not putting in effort into a conversation can make a person lose interest fast!)

Talking about yourself during most of the date is the biggest sign that you're oversharing.

It's fine to talk a lot during ice breakers such as, casual conversations, interesting Q&As, and joke telling. But to interject your voice with every opinion, random thought, or wardrobe-malfunction can be a turnoff if your date starts to check the time on his phone every few minutes.

The best ways to create a balance is to create, silences/pauses in between conversations, bring up questions you had while you two were texting/talking before the date, share things of importance to you and then look for him to reflect, and absolutely (girl, seriously) don’t go on and on about anything negative.

If a topic is too sensitive, simply saying “It’s too sensitive, I’m actually not ready to talk about that” is OK. Just follow up that statement with something else worth discussing or getting to know him a bit more. It goes without saying, but you always have options— so I hope you’re paying attention to any red flags you may find during his conversations.

Do you have any tips to add to the list? Comment below and let us know what you think!

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